Since it’s the Monday after Thanksgiving weekend, naturally I am just above useless at work today. I literally dragged myself out of bed, skipped the shower and I’m wearing my glasses.
I have managed to clear my email inbox and accomplish about 3 simple tasks, so obviously I have spent most of the day browsing online. Not for cyber Monday or anything like that — I have no money — but just going down a delightful rabbit hole of sorts on the joy that is Betches.com.
Which is how I have stumbled upon this GEM. Apparently it’s been making the rounds online, but Adultish Alyssa is going to break it down for you — just in time for the magical, romantic holiday season — because why would I spend my last hour here doing something productive? That’s what Tuesdays are for.
What we have here, ladies (and gentlemen maybe), is some solid, timeless, spot on advice about how to land yourself a husband. ONE HUNDRED TWENTY NINE ways, to be exact.
Let’s dig in, shall we?
Oh, real quick side note — this is from an issue of McCall’s magazine published in 1958. But trust me, it’s TIMELESS.
Section 1: WHERE TO FIND HIM
- Get a dog and walk it.
YES. I’ve always dreamed of falling in love at the dog park when his and my dog’s poo gets mixed up. This is the stuff of true romance. Also, men hate cats (FACT).
2. Have your car break down at strategic places.
Mind=BLOWN. I had no idea I could schedule my car to break down! How neat.
3. Attend night school — take courses men like.
You know, like the reverse of this article I’m sure. There must be an equivalent course for men? Better yet, schedule your car to break down outside the night school!
4. Join a hiking club.
Honestly, I got nothin. But it sounds like a recent episode I caught of Dateline, so maybe not.
5. Look in the census reports for places with the most single men. Nevada has 125 males for every 100 females.
Ladies — forget your friends, family, career. You need to move where the MEN are, or your life has no meaning!
6. Read the obituaries to find eligible widowers.
ABSOLUTE GENIUS. You can procure yourself a SUGAR DADDY since he’s probably 70-plus!
7. Take up golf and go to different golf courses.
Can we say, cute golf clothes?! YES!
8. Take several short vacations at different places rather than one long one at one place.
This ties in nicely with #5 — you can scope out where you’re going to uproot your life and move to.
9. Sit on a park bench and feed the pigeons.
You won’t look sad, I swear. Nothing hooks a man like a woman who has a way with winged rats.
10. Take a bicycle trip through Europe.
Who’s funding this LIST, Martha?! Furthermore, do you bike on the wrong side of the street there, too, or is that just driving?
11. Get a job in a medical, dental or law school.
This isn’t sexist at all….
12. Become a nurse or airline stewardess — they have very high marriage rates.
Well, I do say! Let’s all join the mile high club!
13. Ask your friends’ husbands who the eligible men are in their offices.
You know, I tried that, and it just really didn’t work out between me and the janitor. Sigh.
14. Be nice to everybody — they may have an eligible brother or son.
And if not? SCREW ‘EM.
15. Get a government job overseas.
I’m sensing a worldly type of theme here, no? And you know, getting a government job, particularly overseas, is SUPER EASY.
16. Volunteer for jury duty.
You might meet your sweetheart — the murderer!
17. Be friendly to ugly men — handsome is as handsome does.
18. Tell your friends that you are interested in getting married. Don’t keep it a secret.
Men LOVE desperate women.
19. Get lost at football games.
If I’m at a football game, I’m watching it. Fuck that.
20. Don’t take a job in a company run largely by women.
21. Get a job demonstrating fishing tackle in a sporting goods store.
22. On a plane, train or bus don’t sit next to a woman — sit next to a man.
Throw all your caution out the window! We’re now perfectly fine seeking men out in strange public places and scheduling car breakdowns — at night school!
23. Go to all reunions of your high school or college class. There may be widowers there.
Reaaaaally focused on the widower thing, huh McCall’s? It’s not creepy at all.
24. Don’t be afraid to associate with more attractive girls; they may have some leftovers.
25. Go back to your home town for a visit — the wild kid next door may have become a very eligible bachelor while you were away.
That lives with his mom. Cool.
26. Don’t room with a girl that is a sad sack and let her pull you down to her level.
… and no one roomed with Alyssa ever again.
27. Get a part-time job in a convention bureau.
28. Change apartments from time to time.
Your next hunky landlord is just round the corner!
29. When traveling, stay at small hotels where it is easier to meet strangers.
Remember, all caution out the window! Better to be strangled than single!
30. Learn to paint. Set up easel outside engineering school.
You’ll seem perfectly normal and security won’t be called.
Section 2: HOW TO LET HIM KNOW YOU’RE THERE
You know, if the easel outside his school, breaking down in front of his house every day at 5 and showing him how to use fishing tackle do not work, of course.
31. Stumble when you walk into a room he’s in.
Bonus if it’s onto the fainting couch. How dainty!
32. Forget discretion every once in awhile and call him up.
Every night. At 2 a.m., drunk!
33. Carry a hatbox.
I do believe this would work today. Why on earth would someone be carrying such an item? Intriguing!
34. Wear a Band-Aid. People always ask what happened.
I’m just trying to cover up my psoriasis.
35. Make a lot of money.
Scheduling car breakdowns, international travel, becoming a millionaire! This list is making me realize my full life’s instant potential.
36. Learn several funny stories and learn to tell them well — but make sure you don’t tell them to him more than once.
Men — this one’s for you. Take heed.
37. Walk up to him and tell him you need some advice.
About fishing tackle.
38. Dropping the handkerchief still works.
Totally stealing this from Betches but…..
39. Have your father buy some theater tickets that have to be got rid of.
My dad was perplexed when I called and asked him to buy tickets for me, but perhaps you’ll have better luck.
40. Stand in a corner and cry softly. Chances are good* that he’ll come over to find out what’s wrong.
41. Don’t let him fish for your name the next time you meet. None of this “guess who” stuff.
READ THE NECKLACE.
42. If you’re at a resort, have the bell-boy page you.
I guess we’re getting desperate.
43. Buy a convertible. Men like to ride in them.
Schedule it to break down.
44. Learn how to bake tasty apple pies. Bring one in to the office and let the eligible bachelors taste it.
Everyone else in the office can go to hell, right?
45. Laugh at his jokes.
Even if they’re offensive or not funny!
46. If there’s a wallflower among the men you know, why not cultivate him? For all you know, he may be a diamond in the rough.
Certainly not someone addicted to video games, no no, of course not!
47. “Accidentally” have your purse fly open, scattering its contents all over the street.
Tampons, crazy pills and condoms be damned!
Alright y’all, I’ve successfully pissed away the hour, so we’ll have to continue with this tomorrow. I’ll bet you can’t wait!