As you know, or now know, I do not have a human baby. But if my cat of 7 years is any indication, I might fail at the whole motherhood thing.

It’s a cliche, but sometimes a legit concern, that us single ladies with cats are going to end up alone with said fur ball. And since, god willing, we typically outlive them, well, you can see the implication there.

I might be a crazy cat lady. While I don’t have 6 cats, I’m pretty into the one I have.

I grew up with both cats and dogs, and I like dogs, but I’m definitely more of a cat person. I like how they require minimal maintenance, can provide added warmth and comfort in the colder months and are pretty great sources of entertainment. I know some people (cough, Todd) think cats are evil, and sure, they are generally dicks, but their personalities are at least amusing to me.

With that, let me introduce my fur ball….

This is Puma. Guess how many f&*^s he gives?!

The first time my friend Jason visited my apartment and asked me what my cat’s name was, his reaction was:

“What- you named him Puma?! Why didn’t you just name him CAT! Haha!”

“My ex named him!” I quickly retorted, leaving out the fact that I squealed in delight at the suggestion at the time, particularly as I was obsessed with the Puma brand of shoes.

I know, right?!

Puma has been with me through 4 different living quarters, 5 counting the month we squeezed into Todd’s place when my apartment wasn’t ready yet. THAT was special!

I enjoy taking photos of him….perhaps a little too much. When I discovered the hashtag #catsofinstagram, I found there’s a whole world of people obsessed with taking photos of their cats. We may be the only ones who care… but that doesn’t stop us from blowing up your feed with these kinda photos.

I mean… is a friend’s baby really cuter than this?! Come on.

After posting a few photos one day, a high school friend was kind enough to warn me:

“Alyssa, you need to have a baby soon or you’re going to become a crazy cat lady!”

THANK YOU. You’ve saved me and changed my life. I’ll start working on that right after I drink this bottle of wine I can’t afford.

Puma’s been with me through a lot, and having raised him since he was a kitten, he’s definitely my “baby.” I like to taunt my mom with this fact when she laments being the “only one of my friends without grandchildren!”

“They’re making a calendar of all the babies!” she whined to me one year.

“I can certainly send along some photos of Puma if you’d like to include those?” I suggested.

She didn’t appreciate it.

Since the divorce, she’s backed off a lot.

Plus… if Puma is any indication, my children would be VERY badly behaved and make people uncomfortable:

1. He likes to knock over people’s drinks, for sport.

I keep meaning to get one of these signs.

2.He’s a glutton.

I feed him and he gorges on it like he’ll never eat again. Half the time, he then vomits. It’s a super special morning when I’m one foot out the door after rushing around gathering my lunch and my coffee, and then I hear that dreaded noise. Why is it ALWAYS on the carpet or a rug?!

I’m also thinking about putting off the annual vet visit this year because I’m not in the mood to be lectured about how fat he’s gotten. Good parenting, right?

3. The moment you sit down with food, your laptop, a book or anything where you kinda need your personal space, he immediately wants in your lap.
4. He uses his scratching post, but he also improvises with the couch, recliner and various spaces on the carpet.
5. HE CAN’T STOP LICKING EVERYTHING.
6. I buy him many toys…he cares for about 5 minutes and then is over it. A classic spoiled brat.

Todd gets exasperated with Puma’s antics, and my lack of discipline. He was especially disappointed last night when we tried to play a prank on him with a cucumber. Over the weekend, we were introduced to this delightful video and we wanted to see what would happen.

What happened was, Puma gave exactly ZERO f&*^s about the cucumber. Wah wah.

Sigh. But generally Todd and Puma are getting along better… bonding and whatnot.

Please don’t kill my cat… at least when I know it was you.

I think it’s safe to say Todd is NOT a cat person. The fact that Puma can even get in his lap on occasion has been a pretty big step. Of course, now all Puma wants is Todd’s attention.

Too bad he has to compete with me.